I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Randomize
