She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
