I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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