i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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