Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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