the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
