I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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