I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
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Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
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I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
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