Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
