Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
