it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
This is the high leading the old right now
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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