Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
