just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
