and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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