i think i have two assholes
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
