just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
