who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
