Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
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