My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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