Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
