i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
