You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
