I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
