I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Still dying that you shit outside
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
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