even my farts smell like vagina
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
