Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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