I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
