I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
