Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
