I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
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