Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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