the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
