Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
