You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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