im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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