I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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