hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
