i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
