please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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