Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.