yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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