I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
