time to smoke my breakfast
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
