Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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