come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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