how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
