I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
