my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
