I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
