These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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