dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Randomize
