And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
