I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
