I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
