My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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