Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
