Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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