Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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