Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
