so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
