I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
