I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
