his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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