i think my tv is drunk
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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